We'll be having a number of threads like this one. Use it to make your views known to the others.
Want to try out something you're working on and get feedback? Post it here.
Lots of writers began their career by writing for the net. Online publishing is fast becoming an entry into print journalism, books, film, TV and more. So have a go right here, right now.
You never know what might come of it!
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Wow, I'm first :) I love the site!
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time since it started happening but even though I had a life before this torture it's unclear exactly what it was. My memories have faded, become blurry; I can't remember anything anymore. This life is all I know. At first I struggled against it. I ran, I tried to get away but in the end the only battle being fought was the one in my own head. He knew that I would give up eventually, knew that I couldn't fight him even though I would hate myself forever for it. He always knows. He knows me better than I know myself. At this stage that wouldn't be difficult.
I don't know who I am now, who I was- I'm not sure if I ever did. Maybe before; occasionally I seem to have a shadow, a soul, something that proves I was once really alive,but now I am a shell. His shell. Maybe.
I can't be certain of anything in this existence.
Not even him.
And he knows that.
I actually wrote this after the first week and I think I'm going to extend it into a short story but I'm unsure about the pacing and rhythm of it. Can anyone help?
Good luck to everyone with their writing this week!
Gráinne xxx
Hi Gráinne,
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome piece so far! I don't want to jump in just yet and make any suggestions until others have had their say.
(So how about helping Gráinne out here, people?)
Only thing I'm wondering: are you going to keep the identities of the narrator and "him" secret for as long as possible? I would. Have the readers screeching and tearing their hair out and demanding they be told.
is that actually the start or is that an extract from the middle? I think you should add a bit more to the start, it would be good to add a bit more background info first instead of always jumping into the middle.But its brilliant so far!!! xxx
ReplyDeleteHey!
ReplyDeleteWow, Gráinne, that extract is brilliant! I really like the tone and sense of uncertainty. About pace and rhythm, I'm not entirely sure as to what to suggest. The rhythm in this piece is good; I found the sentence-length variation very effective.
I think the desired pace would depend on the plot and paticulary planned length. The situation the central character finds herself in may also influence the pace.
Sorry I can't be of more help!
Best of luck continuing the story,
Aislinn (Begley)
Hi Gráinne,
ReplyDeleteLooks like the others have had their say so here's my opinion.
This really has potential. It reminds me in ways of a classic scifi story by the great Harlan Ellison, called "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream". (Now there's a title to be jealous of!) You can download a PDF of it here.
Harlan, much like yourself, doesn't provide the background until we're quite a ways into the story. Turns out it's a post-apocalyptic situation, and a supercomputer called AM has acquired almost godlike powers.
You could go a number of ways with your story. What about setting up a situation along the lines of the movie The Village, made by the guy who did The Sixth Sense. If you saw it, you'll recollect how we the audience are lulled into believing that the action is taking place in early 19th century America, sort of post-Pilgrim Fathers. In the end the heroine scales a wall, only to find herself on a back road in rural USA of the present day.
Perhaps you'd like to do something similar. What say you continue as you're doing for a page or two, keeping your reader in the dark. Until suddenly your heroine stumbles upon something, a clue, something she recognizes, and it triggers a memory.
Then you can work in some backstory. Not too much if you wish to prolong the mystery.
Your first lines are very effective. You could go with any one of a number of plots. They remind me of a short story I wrote some years ago but left in a drawer somewhere :0)
In it I gave the reader the impression that the protagonist was an elderly lady who's turned out of her home by relatives. But in the end we learn she's an old, stray dog! No one suspected the truth until the very last sentence, and as far as I know this plot has never been done.
Well, that's about all I can suggest, Gráinne. I hope it's of some help. Looking forward to seeing the finished product.
The novel-writing competition also sounds intriguing and you must tell us more about it.
Regards,
David
Hey there! The computer fixed itself!
ReplyDeleteThe blog seems to be doing well so far!
Grainne, that was fantastic. It really was. It almost feels like we, as the readers, are thrown into the mind of the narrator. The thoughts, theway it's written, it's almost as if you experienced it for yourself, and that's something that is always good in something like this. Apart from that, everything I can think of has been said already.
And since I happen to just finish a reply to my friend in our story, I'm going to be lazy and cut-and-paste an extract from the story. The story is about two girls and their adventure, which is (kinda) based off the Pokemon games.
Before this takes place, the two girls have broken into (what they think is) an abandoned labratory to obtain a container to trap a ghost Pokemon called Darkrai (which is sealed in a keystone). However, the scientist is someone one of the girls knows well, and is not revealed here. Sorry! This is the part in the story when Hound (my character) and her friend Lo (my friend's character) had emerged from a hole in the floor, which was filled with treasure. When two grunts, who had spotted the hole, came back into the room to investigate, the hole was gone! As we've been writing this to each other on our computers, they go in 'posts'. I'll note when it's my post or her post. I ought to add that the two girls are currently hiding in two boxes, with one Pokemon each, trying to sneak away. This is one of the comedy scenes.
(I posted) The two grunts whirled around, suspicious of the lack of a hole in the floor.
"Hmm..." One grunt mused. "I was certain it was around here somewhere..."
"Well done, Sherlock!" The other sarcastically replied. "I can bloody well see that myself!"
"I know." The first muttered, hurt by the comeback. "Maybe it was covered up again."
"Precisely. Now, why aren't you two where I thought you were SUPPOSED to be?" The duo jumped at the sudden entrance of the scientist. "I'm giving you until the count of three to get out of my sight. One..." The two grunts fled as fast as their poor legs could carry them.
While that was taking place, the two boxes slowly crept away, Hound shaking beside Zeis. Lo and Bumble led the way, seeing as they were used to this technique. However...
"And where do you think you're going?" The scientist placed his foot on Lo's box, causing the second box to bump into the one in front. "Just give back everything you have taken, I will let you go, and we shall forget this little scenario." Although he was bang on the dot with why the group were there, he was unaware of who they were. Hound quickly pulled up her hood, so that it covered her eyes, and tied her white bandana around her mouth, much like a stagecoach robber would. That voice... It couldn't be, could it?
(Her post)Lo rummaged through her full bag and brought out a Riolu-like mask, which she placed on her face. There! A secret Identity.
Seing as it made no sense to stay under the box she and Bumble burst out surprising the scientist. Bumble smiled at Lo's mask before facing the scientist. He growled telling Lo his thoughts.
"Order's Miss Bandit?"
Lo remembered an advert she'd seen on the t.v and thought back, "Embrace the pear!" Bumble burst out laughing shocking everyone when he heard this and lobbed a peacha berry he was holding at the scientist. It smashed in his face, dripping down his chin.
Always wanting to finish the joke Lo said to the man, "Hey! Maybe it will make you beautiful!" before launching for the door, Bumble still giggling beside her.
thats brilliant!
ReplyDeletehow much have you written?
You said it was kinda based on pokemon, but are you using the word pokemon in it? :)
Thats really good,
ReplyDeleteand funny :)
That's so good Aisling! I laughed so much at the grunts bit!
ReplyDeleteEven thugh I always hated pokeman...!
"Embrace the pear"...Bulmer's ad?? Lol x